losing sight of the future.

more than a year ago when i had realized my career path was to be in the non-profit sector, i started thinking about my next steps.  it was a very general idea but i was able to project several years into the future.  the first step was to get a job.  when that came to fruition, it still wasn't enough.  however, it was strange.  the picture i had imagined had disappeared soon after i was hired.  i still don't know why.  maybe because that path that i had imagined last year wasn't relevant anymore.  maybe i am supposed to go down a different path. i didn't think too much about trying to stick to that path.  i felt i was supposed to just stay where i am for a few years and in that time i will eventually know what my next step will be.

tonight i took another look at my old plan.  one of the next steps was to intern for a humanitarian aid non-profit.  looking at their internships, many require knowledge of the field of world affairs, international relations or international development.  something i have no knowledge of.  a few other knowledge require a good command of written and spoken english.  communication isn't one of my strengths.  in a work environment i am pretty quiet.  my writing skills are not strong enough to write grant proposals.  sigh. then there is the master's degree requirement.  eventually that is what i'll have to do - go back to school for a graduate degree.

with all this in mind, if i just continue to go with the flow, how long will it take me to arrive at my destination?  do i jump ahead and apply to grad school within the next two years now or wait and apply after five years of entry-level non-profit work and internships?  i'm currently working at a non-profit that deals with children from under-served communities and education at a local level though the non-profit is also national.  at this point i really don't know if i'm supposed to be going the international route or if my career will keep me at the local and national levels only.  how do you plan for the future when you don't know?  if i just stay the current path and i don't get a full-time position or more hours soon, then i will need a second job just so i can save up for the future.  doesn't soon too great.  how do i apply for grad school without feeling strongly or knowing well enough what i want to do?  the future is nowhere in sight.