my life is on loop

there is not much going on in my life.  i am still trying to find a second job.  had an interview the other day at macy's but did not get it. i have emailed another nonprofit to see if i can volunteer in their office doing the same thing there as i do at my current job.  i hope to do that for a few months and then transition into their operations internship.  ultimately hoping that i will get a part-time job offer from them as well.  that would be awesome.

the part of my life that is playing on loop right now is regarding a guy at work.  he likes me. i like him (though he doesn't know that--that's where the problem lies). anyway, we don't work in the same part of the building and we especially don't work together.  we just don't have many opportunities to talk. most of the time, i have the hardest time saying anything to him. this is what each day is like:  everyday that i work he comes in to work in the afternoon, makes his phone call and we exchange a "hi."  he hasn't tried to start a conversation with me. again, not much opportunity for that.  sometimes he finds an excuse to come into the office (make photocopies, print something, etc) but says nothing (maybe i intimidate him?).

i've told my cousin about the situation. she says maybe he would say more if i asked him, "how are you?", too.  (i am somewhat socially awkward). i'm thinking he may be afraid of rejection which is why he hasn't asked me out yet. i really wish i could talk to him as easily as i do everybody else but unfortunately that is not happening.

this part of my life has been going on since february.  i have an idea of when it could happen though.  according to one annual horoscope i found, it says nothing significant will happen regarding love, until this autumn. sigh.

lessons

looking back, everything that i've endured last year has taught me so much about myself.  i have come out stronger that i ever thought possible. i now have a better sense of myself.  i am more confident. i know what i want and don't want in work, life, and love.  i am finally at peace with myself.  it feels great.

as a result, good things are entering my life.  i have a job.  it's not full time but i am happy.  i know this is where i am supposed to be.  for now.  at the end of last month, my work with the kids was taken away.  yesterday, my supervisor asked me if i could start again as one of the staff who was working with them had left.  i have been wanting to work with them again.  i was going to start volunteering with them on two other days that i wasn't working.  this is perfect.

also, there is a cute guy at work.  i know he likes me. he just really hasn't said much but that's probably because i haven't said much.  maybe i intimidate him. it's been two or three weeks now.  i want to talk to him but i'm too scared.  i know he is older and at the moment i am trying to figure out if he's married or not. if he's single, i don't want to start anything until mid-april, if possible. (for astrological reasons--bad to start a new relationship while mars is retrograde. i believe in this stuff).  not sure if i could control that, though.  if he's married, well, i am not going to cross that line.

i came across this poster (found out its called the holstee manifesto poster).
through the past 5 years, i've learned that a lot of what is stated in this poster is true.  if not, everything.  just follow your heart.

lessons to live by.

a few years ago, my cousin got into the book, "messages from the masters" by brian weiss m.d.  (you can read the synopsis here.  i can't explain it too well).  i would say it's a good book.  there are insights from the other side that makes life here a lot easier to understand.  one of the lessons that i wrote down is this one, regarding love.

we hear the excuses of the mind all the time:  i'm too young; i need more experience, i'm not ready to settle down yet; you are of a different religion (or race, region, social status, and so on).  these are all excuses, for souls possess none of these attributes.

never worry about meeting soul mates.  such meetings are a matter of destiny.  they will occur.  after the meeting, the free will of both partners reign.  what decisions are made or not made, are a matter of free will, of choice.  the less awakened will make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices.  unfortunately this often leads to heartache.  the more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love.  when both partners are awakened, ecstasy is within grasp.  (pp. 158)

and this excerpt:

 listen to your heart, to your own intuitive wisdom, when making important decisions, especially when deciding about a gift of destiny, such as a soul mate.  destiny will deposit its gift directly at your feet, but what you subsequently decide to do with that gift is up to you.  if you rely exclusively on the advice of others, you may make terrible mistakes.  your heart knows what you need.  other people have other agendas. (pp. 163)

the last excerpt is dear to me.  while abroad, i did meet someone.  he was pretty much put right in front of me.  i knew he was the one.  however, i wasn't sure if he was single or not.  if he felt the same way about me.  as the months went by we got to know each other well.  he would be comfortable enough to act like a dork around me.  just like me.  we were perfect for each other.  still i didn't know.  before returning to the u.s., i finally asked him out.  in an email.  doing it in person, or trying to, was the hardest thing ever.  i sent the email over the course of the school break.  he wrote back.  he has a gf.  mayebe true, maybe it isn't.  i think it has something to do with me still not having my life figured out yet whereas, he has with his life.

growing up.

i've been blogging since college.  now that i'm 30, i can look back and what i see is that the blogs i read reflect where i am in my own life.  after returning from my first trip from france, i remember reading blogs of teaching assistants in france as well as a few women expats.  now, i don't read the blogs of teaching assistants anymore, but almost all the blogs i follow are of women my age, some living in france and others that are in the u.s.  some are married, have children, others are in relationships, have a french spouse.  i am living vicariously through them in hopes that one day i may live in france -- maybe even with my own french homme...