what my twenties taught me

now in my early 30s, i can look back at the last decade. my twenties, as stated in my mini profile, was filled with school, work, and travel. it was a trying decade especially because of my quarter-life crisis that lasted several years. as in all difficulties in life, you are left with a valuable lesson afterwards. in no particular order, these are the lessons that i've learned from my twenties:

1. follow your heart/listen to that little voice. 

 i could have avoided my quarter-life crisis altogether if i had done just that. i thought for sure, there was no sign.  i really didn't know what i want to do with my life. only after returning from france, and from the opportunity given from my unemployed situation at the time, i decided i would finally do what i wanted to do but couldn't when i was employed: take an excel and photoshop class and volunteer. i started volunteering after my classes were done--in april of last year.  i was actually thinking about it since the summer before but the heat was too much for me to walk through and i hate tihe heat.  my intention was to only volunteer doing some office work to pick up some work experience that i didn't have. then go and try to find work. i only planned on being there until the summer.  a few months later, i realized i needed more than 3 months of experience to be competitive so i told my supervisor i would be there for a few months longer. 

around the same time, i had an epiphany:  this is where i'm supposed to be: at a nonprofit. i had finally figured out my career path.  realizing this also made me mad.  the little voice had been telling me to go volunteer ever since my last years of college.  i just could never find anything close enough.  i just thought i was supposed to go volunteer for a few weeks and that would be it. had no idea it would lead me to my career. i'm finally here, though. it's square one. i still have a long way to go. sigh.

2. society does not know what's best for you nor do other people.  only you do.

similar to the previous one, this is the other reason i was so miserable for the latter half of my twenties. i stayed at my job for as long as i could. i was afraid to look and try something else because i didn't know where to go. unfortunately last year, (at 30) i had a cousin give me a hard time about not doing enough to find work. i knew though, that i was already where i was supposed to be and i just had to wait. i applied to numerous places.  nothing.  at least not from those places i looked into during that time--all retail and food. the nonprofit i was volunteering at, offered me a position.  it was actually created for me.  even after i got hired, i never heard from any of those other places.

3. when you hit a wall, when a door doesn't open, it means you're not supposed to be there so stop trying to open that same door.

i remember the first few times i tried going back to france, i applied to teach english in their public schools. i needed to get someone to evaluate my level of french, so i went to my old college professor.  it was just a simple request.  it would only take maybe 10 minutes of her time.  to my surprise, she was completely against it.  she said i would have to enroll in her class first. at this time, i have already graduated from university and was working full-time. a language class is at least twice a week. actually i did enroll in a class but i dropped after a week. she took that as a personal offense.  i then asked a french teacher at a nearby high school. i left her the form to look at and she told me she couldn't evaluate me since i was not one of her students.

i forged that part of the application.  didn't get the job anyway.  by that time, it was the second year i had applied and it was four years after i came back from france (the first trip). i was so miserable at work and so tired of the process, that i just decided it was time to go back to france.  i would just go back as a student so i enrolled in a language school.  i spent a great 6 months abroad. i'm glad i didn't get the job. learning the language is something that i am proud of. living there was a lot easier when you know the language. i will always call lyon my second home.

lessons

looking back, everything that i've endured last year has taught me so much about myself.  i have come out stronger that i ever thought possible. i now have a better sense of myself.  i am more confident. i know what i want and don't want in work, life, and love.  i am finally at peace with myself.  it feels great.

as a result, good things are entering my life.  i have a job.  it's not full time but i am happy.  i know this is where i am supposed to be.  for now.  at the end of last month, my work with the kids was taken away.  yesterday, my supervisor asked me if i could start again as one of the staff who was working with them had left.  i have been wanting to work with them again.  i was going to start volunteering with them on two other days that i wasn't working.  this is perfect.

also, there is a cute guy at work.  i know he likes me. he just really hasn't said much but that's probably because i haven't said much.  maybe i intimidate him. it's been two or three weeks now.  i want to talk to him but i'm too scared.  i know he is older and at the moment i am trying to figure out if he's married or not. if he's single, i don't want to start anything until mid-april, if possible. (for astrological reasons--bad to start a new relationship while mars is retrograde. i believe in this stuff).  not sure if i could control that, though.  if he's married, well, i am not going to cross that line.

things learned while looking for work on the ground.

walking around the city, hopping on and off the bus looking for a job, there are a few things that i've learned.

1.  in this economy, if you come across a store that you think is slow (i.e. floral shop; small, medical offices) and won't need help, you are probably right. however i would check hospital websites for non-medical jobs.

2.  fast food and most restaurants are hiring.  citizen or not.

3.  "are you hiring?" and "do you need help?" are two different questions.  i went into a chinese fast food restaurant and asked if they were hiring.  manager came out from kitchen and said no.  came back following week to just eat and he remembered me.  at that time in the afternoon they were pretty busy and had only one person at the front helping customers.  the manager was called out to help and when he saw me he asked if i was still looking for a job.  he asked me to write my name and number on the back of a receipt.  he may have lost that paper so i might be going in soon to ask for a job.

4.  college grads will have a harder time looking for hourly paying jobs.  it's unfair but that's how it is.

about being unemployed...
it took awhile for me to get over all the emotional abuse from my last job in customer service, if it weren't for that, i wish i had started this job hunt, on the ground, a long time ago.

lessons to live by.

a few years ago, my cousin got into the book, "messages from the masters" by brian weiss m.d.  (you can read the synopsis here.  i can't explain it too well).  i would say it's a good book.  there are insights from the other side that makes life here a lot easier to understand.  one of the lessons that i wrote down is this one, regarding love.

we hear the excuses of the mind all the time:  i'm too young; i need more experience, i'm not ready to settle down yet; you are of a different religion (or race, region, social status, and so on).  these are all excuses, for souls possess none of these attributes.

never worry about meeting soul mates.  such meetings are a matter of destiny.  they will occur.  after the meeting, the free will of both partners reign.  what decisions are made or not made, are a matter of free will, of choice.  the less awakened will make decisions based on the mind and all of its fears and prejudices.  unfortunately this often leads to heartache.  the more awakened the couple is, the more the likelihood of a decision based on love.  when both partners are awakened, ecstasy is within grasp.  (pp. 158)

and this excerpt:

 listen to your heart, to your own intuitive wisdom, when making important decisions, especially when deciding about a gift of destiny, such as a soul mate.  destiny will deposit its gift directly at your feet, but what you subsequently decide to do with that gift is up to you.  if you rely exclusively on the advice of others, you may make terrible mistakes.  your heart knows what you need.  other people have other agendas. (pp. 163)

the last excerpt is dear to me.  while abroad, i did meet someone.  he was pretty much put right in front of me.  i knew he was the one.  however, i wasn't sure if he was single or not.  if he felt the same way about me.  as the months went by we got to know each other well.  he would be comfortable enough to act like a dork around me.  just like me.  we were perfect for each other.  still i didn't know.  before returning to the u.s., i finally asked him out.  in an email.  doing it in person, or trying to, was the hardest thing ever.  i sent the email over the course of the school break.  he wrote back.  he has a gf.  mayebe true, maybe it isn't.  i think it has something to do with me still not having my life figured out yet whereas, he has with his life.