pisces

being born a pisces can be frustrating at times. sometimes very frustrating. we are undecisive peoples - but only sometimes. out of all the fish's characteristics, that one frustrates me the most. i once spent two hours deciding between two backpacks. having options is not always a good thing for us. now my new dilemma are all the options for grad school that i have. a) i could apply to grad school, then go to france in the meantime, then start grad school. b) i could apply to this school's certificate program (it's four classes), then apply for a master's degree at another school after. c) this school offers everything i could want in a program but its one of the most expensive schools out there. d) i want to study french but what if i can't defer enrollment...the questions and options are endless.

the last time i had to make a major decision (it was about my most recent trip to france), i had done a ton of research in the four years leading up to it. i would have to say it was the best choice and maybe my only choice (it was either that or not go and continue to be miserable).

in the meantime, i will need to study. i will need to learn how to write research papers all over again. i am currently studying how to write better. next i will need to study for the g.r.e. then i will need to think about what to write for my letter of intent. even more difficult will be trying to find professors who can write a rec letter for me - i studied art; that might be a problem. my cousin suggested one of my professors from the language school school in france. i hope that will be good enough. if not, i was thinking trying to get a hold of one of my art history professors. i hope, again, that i still have one of the papers i wrote for her class somewhere.

vegan

for reasons too complicated to explain, i have agreed to go vegan once a week. for the rest of my life. no, this wasn't a dare. i will unofficially begin probably this week just to get used to it. i also just have to remember when the day comes, that that day is vegan. i figured this shouldn't be a problem to stick to. it's only 3 meals a week. breakfast for me is usually a bread, fruit or grain. lunch and dinner is where i have to think. fortunately i live close to a trader joe's; they have vegan frozen foods. yippee!

of course, it might become a problem in the future. should i find myself living with a host family in a culture that doesn't know about the vegan culture... will have to figure out something.

i figured if i publish this, i have to do it. it's a good way to get yourself to do something.

what to do.

i have been struggling with what to do for so long.  do i do what other people want me to do? (they want me to find more work.) of course, a part of me also wants that.  i would like to have money to go shopping. i would like to have money to spend on a friend's wedding next year (it's out-of-state). i know getting more work isn't going to be enough money to do great things with my life, but it'll allow me to put a little bit back into my bank account. i know i haven't been putting 100% into getting another job. another part of me wants to just stop looking for work and put the rest of my energy into volunteering or interning.  i would like to squeeze in as much nonprofit experience as i can. was just reading a few requirements for some of the grad schools. most mention they would like applicants to have nonprofit work experience and not just that but with increasing responsibilities. the work that i do isn't difficult (data entry plus any other assignments anyone may need help with). i have added another dimension to my work by assisting with grant research and writing. though that is still not enough. next week, i will be volunteering at another nonprofit. this nonprofit has more to do with international relief and humanitarian aid which is closer to what i want to do...

still, i'm torn. i feel like i need to please the people around me and i can't figure out what to do. i've wasted enough time putting many days of my week aside hoping that i can fill it with another job. now i'm thinking i should just forget looking for another job (unlike others, i don't pay rent and i don't have a car to pay for). as of right now, the club is about to start its summer program. i know i will be getting at least one more day of work each week. i'm thinking after the summer program ends in mid august, i should throw myself into the other nonprofit completely--by that time i hope to begin an internship and i know that that has to be at least two days a week.  i'm hoping that graduate admissions committee will see my commitment to this line of work (i especially have to prove myself since my bachelors degree was in something completely unrelated to what i want to do now. the only other way i can prove myself is through the GRE, which is a lot more difficult to do.)  unfortunately this means i won't have money to save up towards grad school or going back to france. or anything really. (with grad school, i'll definitely be applying for financial aid. for france, i'll be ok with taking out a loan for that, too).  ideally, i would prefer to have a second job and squeeze in the new volunteer work/internship.